fruitybeauty

Not paid enough.

To deal with THIS.

Buff dudes in snug-fitting t-shirts delivering fun new shades of Nivea care gloss and shine and cupcakes and jelly beans to my desk.

Honestly. Do I seem that easily won over?
(Hint: Yes. In fact, they even could've left out the jelly beans. And the guy doing the "crazy" thumb business.)




Surprising fact: These men are all actually women.
Less surprising fact: I lie about gender sometimes.
Moderately surprising fact: I had muesli for lunch.

Too Long Hair.

Sometimes words aren't needed. (When blind people are around is not one of these times.)



But know what? I'm gonna drop some anyway.

This hair is RE: Dick you lass.
Too long.
Too long.
Too long.

Not many people know this, but there is a universal ruler for Attractive Hair Length. It's housed in a small Dutch suburb called Lezuvardensfinken where it is closely gaurded by a man called Hans, and a crop of fierce tulips. He won't let many people see the famous ruler, but I brought him a bag of Toobs and a Caramello Koala so he let me come in.

All I will say is this: This woman, as beautiful as she is, has hair that would require four Attractive Hair Length rulers. Add to that her not-being-16, and the two-tone colour "job", and the ratwoman flyaways and the overall deadness of this elongated rug and you get what is known in the industry as a "Bad Look."

It pains me to see women with Too Long Hair. It is rarely healthy or shiny, it detracts from their beauty, dilutes their clothes, pulls their face down, and perhaps most pertinently, ages them, which I'm quite sure is the polar opposite of what they're trying to achieve.

If you are guilty of Too Long Hair, please consider chopping off some length? It's your quickest way to a fresh, vibrant, alluring new you. Trust me. Cheaper than surgery and quicker than going to that BLOODY GYM.

Not Judgemental At All,
Australia.

* Thank you to Muri and Facehunter for the pic.

Why acid is so very good for you.

If you get:

A. Ingrown hairs
B: Bumps on the back of your arms and thighs
C. Dry, scaly dragon skin
D. The internet

You may want to read this question from a very agitated little fruit, Sarah:

"I have a question for you that was burning in my mind all through the summer holiday period. I suffer from ingrown hairs on my legs when I shave. I also suffer from itchy legs if I don’t moisturise nightly after shaving. I use such products as Tend skin and Skin Doctors ingrown-go to zap the ingrown problem. But what to do about the itchy? Do I use tend skin and then moisturise? Or do they negate each other? Do I alternate nights? Oh the craziness!"


And the answer? MD Formulations, my dried little fruit, MD Formulations.

Most people "in the beauty biz" (slang for "in the beauty business") know how amazing this gear is, but as it's quite targeted and problem-specific, not a lot of the GP (General Public or Grape Population; your choice) know about it.

Here's the Rub (pun completely intended):

Before you shower, rub MD Formulations Face & Body scrub all over (the troublesome area) in circular motions. This must be done on DRY SKIN. This means you need to be a nudie in the shower with no water to be seen (or felt) as you apply it.




Why this is clever: As it contains glycolic acid, it will very gently slough off dead skin cells (which are the naughty things giving you ingrowns) and allow the gorgeous, fresh new skin cells to come through. (You'll be able to recognise them by their flashy cars and brand new mobile phones.)

Now rub/rinse it off in the shower. Sing while you do this if you like - you'll be ingrown-free and soft-skinned soon so why not. I'd go with Supertramp, probably.

Okay, now get out. There's a drought, dammit. Dry off and apply MD's face Hand & Body creme all over.

Clever because: You're putting on more glycolic acid, which further (gently) exfoliates your skin so all is left is smoothness and silkiness and joy for all. And it really, truly doesn't dry your skin, promise.



Gosh, I'm exhausted.
Miss? May I go home now?

Get well, Gerdi.

My darling mum's all bunged up with nasty bronchitis.

She feels about as fresh as week-old sushi, and isn't even at work, and to get mum to stay home from work usually takes an apocalyptic plague of vermin, or at least a biblical-proportions flood.

Plus, she had a bit of a bungle in her automumbile last week and her naughty daughter didn't even KNOW cause she didn't call till today, denoting her to Third Favourite Offspring this month on the Family Adoration whiteboard.*

I'm going to post a pic of Gerdi being cheeky now, and if you want to wish her better, please post a comment that somehow incorporates the word 'banana', because as well all know, laughter is the best medicine, even though cough syrup definitely sometimes helps, too.




*May or may not exist.

"I powder very, very good."

Well Hello!

I want you to meet my Beauty and Style Inspiration. (Audrey Hepburn who?)

So wise, and yet so violently attractive: How can this be?

Watch and learn, fruits, watch and learn.

You will learn about fashion... It might be ostrich feathers, or a fox draped over the shoulder, puffed sleeves ("particularly interesting") a ("Very Dramatic") gold foil dress or even just a splash of leather ("Leather is always great - I wear a lot of it") but believe me, you will be up to 2.4 times more glamorous after seeing Brenda work her wardrobe.

Makeup? Forget all those tricky shade-perfecting foundations and concealers: There are only three shades: "Light, medium and dark". And blush? Pick a shade: There's pink, orange,  "real real dark orange" and burgundy. As for sexing things up at night? Switch from a black pencil, to a black liner. "At night I'll use a line. A BLACK line." Very glamorous.

Ah, fruits. So many things to learn, so little time in 1987 to try them all.

I DID forget one!

Nivea body summer - Which I probably forgot because I've run out and so there was none left in my cupboard when I wrote the post, which means I used the whole dingin' thing, because it's good. Non-stinky, even coverage and the beholder of firming qualites, so you don't feel like you're being duped by the whole 'tanning and skincare thing' and really just getting a self-tanner that's leaving you all Leisuresuit Lizard within a few hours. Light so it's good for day or night. One thing: Wash them hands after using. Because orange is a fruit, not a pretty colour for your hands.

Gradually sorting out gradual tanners.

Fruity's updated summary of Gradual Tanners.

February 12, 2007.

• J&J Holiday Skin - The olden golden one to use for everyday. Darker version preferred as it gives a noticable kick.Can stink up a bit if you're running about, so as with most of these, use at night only. Speaking of which, Holiday Skin Night is The Best of the three - not out yet, but all you Holiday Skinettes are gon' loooose it.
• Dove Summer Glow, Darker Version - The one to use instead of a Real Life self tanner. Best, deepest colour, fast. Only to be used at night so as to avoid changing from Miss Tanned to Miss Stench during day when the lotion reacts with the release of (even non-exercise-just-nervousness-or-even-trying-to-do-a-tricky-reverse-park) sweat.
• Garnier bodysummer - Warm natural colour and best smelling by far. (Fruity, just like the author of these words.) Best use is at night when Boyfriend is staying over and refuses to lay down next to a Fake Tanning Fruity.
• L'Oreal Nutrisummer - Best sensory overload - feels and smells good-as and gives good, stable colour. As thick, can become sticky, and so not so bueno for hot nights. Better for colder nights, or non-night time, sometimes known as 'Day'.
• Palmer's Natural Bronze - Best  for application as has pump pack. Also, lovely cocoa buttery Palmer'sy scent and no fake tan smell, meaning you can wear after your morning shower and not worry about stinking your cubicle out. Not very powerful however, so don't use if you want to wake up bronzed. Use if you want to gently sustain the glow flow.
• Rubbing Dirt on Skin - Probably the best in the organic category, but can be labour intensive and the result is usually patchy. Residue under fingernails, removal of dirt from lettuce patch and stained carpet is a negative.
  
  Have  I missed any?
  Am I a brazen, biased liar?
  Are there key factors/products I am forgetting?
  Does my bum look big in this?

On the topic of lip liner...

I was served by a very kind and lovely and helpful and attractive and friendly woman today who had applied her lip makeup so spectacularly poorly, that even Boyfriend was forced to comment.

Vitals:

Older than Diane Lane (or as old as with less genetic blessing) and younger than Judi Dench.
Too much mascara.
Lip liner applied not on lips, but above, well above natural lip line, all the way around. Inner corners included. Everywhere but her eyebrows, basically.
Lip liner is in a shade of cab sav crimson.
Lip stick, much lighter then liner in a shade of mismatched pinot pink, is applied right up to unnatural lip liner line and is feathering like... um... something feathery.
Lipstick has come off around area of lips where coffee is consumed.

Yes. Every cell within me wanted to take a tissue and wipe her sloppy lips clean, but of course, in this state anyway, Unsolicited Makeup Removal by a Third Party is illegal.

And so she escaped my clutches, free to taint many more a styrofoam cup, wine glass and outfit with those frightful lips.

Fruits, I implore you, if you know of someone - possibly a workmate, possibly your sweet ol' mama - performing lip crimes, please assist in this way:

1. Present them with a gift.
2. Gift will contain a gentle nudey pink liner and a similar shade, (maybe a little darker, but definitely not lighter) double-ended, long-last lip colour and gloss wand. My picks are Maybelline, Clinique and Rimmel. They're all well-priced, and are ones I've found to be the best for endurance and non-crusty-and-dry-within-an-hour.
3. Tell them how you saw (insert movie star they look like, or did back in '87) wearing this shade at the Golden Globes and it looked fantastic.
4. Show them how to line the lips on the natural lip outline, and fill the lips within by lightly shading with liner.
5. Show them how to swipe long-last lip colour on lips, ensuring they leave it for 62.3 seconds so it can set (and thus last for around four hours - "they" say more but unless you don't eat, drink, talk or breathe, it's gonna fade), then finish with a slick of gloss for shine.
6. Douse, DOUSE them in compliments as to how Definitely Excellent they look.
7. Feel very, very good about self and celebrate by high-fiving someone nearby.

No more facial hair.

When one has a facial, as I was extraordinarily lucky and able to enjoy yesterday at the La Prairie beauty room at DJs Elizabeth St store (can't tell you what they were launching til May. But it's FRUITIN' unbelievable, as was my skin/eyes/general sense of happiness and wellbeing, post-treatment) anyway, so the facial, yes, the facial... oh yes, the facial, when one has a facial, one is very, very likely to come out of said facial with facial hair.

Not this brand of facial hair.




The other kind. The kind Steph, the fabulous and always superbly-shod beauty maven of Madison magazine, and I discussed yesterday, the one you pretty much definitely will get whenever you get a facial, anywhere, ever. The one that ultimately ruins your appearance for the rest of the day, or until you wash that sleazy, greasy hair of yours.

Sing if you know the words: Oily roots, misbehaving hair and nasty lankness that WILL NOT GO AWAY, no matter how much emergency blow-drying, hair brushing and strenuous styling you attempt.

I didn't get any facial hair, partly because I had a brilliant, very-precise beautician, Rita, but partly because I know the rules of Facial Hair Avoidance.

The rules of Facial Hair Avoidance.

FYI: Your best reactive chance is to spray in dry shampoo and backcomb the roots a little and force your hair back into a messy, sexy, posh pony, or use the dry 'poo and then change your part (freshens the hair immediately).

Your best PROactive chance is to:

Do this: Take a bobby pin and a hair band, and get that hair into a low pony, and get that fringe well, well away.

Say this: "Hiii... um, I've actually got to go to lunch/dinner/a date/a job interview/my wedding after this, and so I was hoping to keep my hair fresh? Is it possible for you to pop a head band on? Thanks sooo much. I really appreciate it. So sorry to be a pain in the ass."

Why you need to say that, and in that kiss-assy way: Most therapists are very good at what they do. They are trained, and they don't like to be told how to do their thing.Which is fair - do they come in and tell you how to taste your ice cream? (Look, I know you're an ice cream taster. Don't be ashamed. It's okay. Your mum told me.)

Most facials involve massage, which invariably means Belinda from Bayside Beauty will lovingly blend beautiful products, usually oils, into your face, chest, neck and possibly even scalp. The scalp means hair, and that you don't want, so tell her. And by doing this in a sweet, non passive-aggressive manner, (watch your tone, sugar: if she thinks your being patronising, you're screwed, Oily McSpoily) she will take extra care to avoid ruining your mop, while still endeavoring to give you the best dingin' hydrating bliss facial you've ever known.

And that's nice, I think.

Of course, if you can book your facial at the end of the day when you can just roll home and not even think about makeup or social activity, more clever you. Ah, yes. The greasiest of hair, and you just don' care.

I'm a laaaady!

My friend took me to see some show last night at the Sydney Entertainment Centre. It was pretty funny, I guess...

I got a photo with the guys that were in it at the end cause my friend knows them. Whatever. I was just being polite. They were all like "Can we get a photo, can we get a photo? We looooove fruitybeauty, you're so clever and funny and original!" And I''m like, hey, whatever floats your bloat, weird British guys.