I was served by a very kind and lovely and helpful and attractive and friendly woman today who had applied her lip makeup so spectacularly poorly, that even Boyfriend was forced to comment.
Vitals:
Older than Diane Lane (or as old as with less genetic blessing) and younger than Judi Dench.
Too much mascara.
Lip liner applied not on lips, but above, well above natural lip line, all the way around. Inner corners included. Everywhere but her eyebrows, basically.
Lip liner is in a shade of cab sav crimson.
Lip stick, much lighter then liner in a shade of mismatched pinot pink, is applied right up to unnatural lip liner line and is feathering like... um... something feathery.
Lipstick has come off around area of lips where coffee is consumed.
Yes. Every cell within me wanted to take a tissue and wipe her sloppy lips clean, but of course, in this state anyway, Unsolicited Makeup Removal by a Third Party is illegal.
And so she escaped my clutches, free to taint many more a styrofoam cup, wine glass and outfit with those frightful lips.
Fruits, I implore you, if you know of someone - possibly a workmate, possibly your sweet ol' mama - performing lip crimes, please assist in this way:
- Present them with a gift.
- Gift will contain a gentle nudey pink liner and a similar shade, (maybe a little darker, but definitely not lighter) double-ended, long-last lip colour and gloss wand. My picks are Maybelline, Clinique and Rimmel. They're all well-priced, and are ones I've found to be the best for endurance and non-crusty-and-dry-within-an-hour.
- Tell them how you saw (insert movie star they look like, or did back in '87) wearing this shade at the Golden Globes and it looked fantastic.
- Show them how to line the lips on the natural lip outline, and fill the lips within by lightly shading with liner.
- Show them how to swipe long-last lip colour on lips, ensuring they leave it for 62.3 seconds so it can set (and thus last for around four hours - "they" say more but unless you don't eat, drink, talk or breathe, it's gonna fade), then finish with a slick of gloss for shine.
- Douse, DOUSE them in compliments as to how Definitely Excellent they look.
- Feel very, very good about self and celebrate by high-fiving someone nearby.
