I went and man-handled some overpriced designer shoes in DJs yesterday, and guess what I discovered.
The shops are already heaving with nannas and mummas and our frustrated office brethen, hopelessly trying to find something for Aunty Joan, and their sister in law, and their brother and their five-year-old's kindy teacher, all looking glum and tired and standing on the wrong side of the escalators, walking too slowly around racks of underwear and being pains in the asses in general.
Bless them in their gift-buying stupor. And yes, I can laugh at them because i have not yet joined them. [That happens next week.]
But why are they on the shoe level?
Why are they on the designer clothing level?
EVERYONE KNOWS YOU DON'T BUY PEOPLE SHOES OR CLOTHES FOR CHRISTMAS.
And the sad thing is that they don't even realise their work is done for them as soon as they walk through those department store gates. That's right: Once you enter any DJ's or Myer, you are in the double-helix of the great present buying answer: The cosmetics floor.
What more would Uncle Roger want than some Polo Black and a dirty calendar he can put up in the Garage?
What else would little Sally want than Posh Spice's new perfume, a tube of gloss and a reminder that eating disorders aren't cool and neither are breasts that think they are actually part of the collar bone?
And how much would mum love your ass (Hint: she already does, a lot, so you're pretty ripe for at least an 85% percent total score here) if you gave her the WHOPPING great Estee Lauder Blockbuster make up bonanza kit sent from the Lord himself??
Which brings me to My Point: You should be buying stuff for you here, too.
Here's why:
Following the great Estee's lead, most cosmetic houses now offer stupidly excellent value christmas packs.
And it ain't just the smelly stuff being spliced in between body lotions anymore, (though the perfume packs are superb, cause you get limited edition gear like roller balls for your handbag, shimmer oils and matchbox trucks that sport genuine reverse beeps when you roll them backwards) it's everything from:
- Skin care, including expensive face creams that you normally feel are our of your price range.
- Body stuff
- Bloke's skincare
- Makeup (the gloss sets are MUST BUYS and yes, CAPS need to be used here, because, okay, say you buy the Juicy Tubes one; you're getting three for, like $69 or something, when one by itself is usually $42.) And so on.
Think of this way: the cosmetic companies were all drugged with Generophnyl when they put these packs together. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEM IN THEIR VALUE-CRAZED STUPOR.
So, here's what you're gonna do; here's your new, revised Christmas shopping to-do list. (Remember: Baby Jesus would want it this way.)
1. Make a date to do your shopping within the next week before all the good sets sell out; and they will. Also, doing your shopping before it gets feral is always a clever idea. Don't be like, well, all of us, and leave it to 2.36 pm on December 24.
2. Buy the skincare, makeup and perfume you've been eyeing off yourself. Score buckets of free stuff and feel smug and pretty in advance.
3. Buy everyone else soap from the two dollar shop.
