And aren't they just. (Yes, yes the blush is nice too, but take five cheeks: This isn't about you.)
I had no need to be scared. This dental centre has lavender oil burners, comfy couches and dim, cosy lighting in their waiting room to ease jitters. A fat can can of nitrous oxide would be the clincher, but I suppose there might be legal ramifications. And, my dentist, the lovely and super-thorough Dr Arvin K Bartolazo (www.pittstdentalcentre.com.au) did a cracking job of reassuring me, and whitening my teeth to the point someone may mistake me for a TV Personality, or you know, a large, white parasol.
Maybe cracking is the wrong phrase to use, as it subconsciously implies pain.
Of which I had none.
It didn't hurt.
Whether that was the Nurofen plus/Panediene combo pre-whitening, or the episode of Friends making me giggle (or attempting to, my mouth was a bit preoccupied with the whole locked open thing) on the LCD screen above me as the UV light did its thing (Friends is this great new show about a group of savvy, witty inner-city friends - you should totally check it out if you get a chance, I have a feeling it might blow up), I don't know. But i did not feel pain.
"You've got the whitest teeth I've ever seen," the good doc said when we'd done the second 15-minute treatment (there are three), in the way that substitute teachers say 'You're the best class I've ever taught' even though you just lit fire to the science room blinds with your bunsen burner.
"Ohhh, I bet you say that to all your patients" I said, playing shy.
"No, really, you do. And I've seen a lot of teeth."
And after seeing my toothlets in the mirror, I'm a believer. I feel like someone shoved a brand new sneaker into my mouth, only with less laces and rubber.
Suffice to say, I recommend Zoom Advanced Power if you too want really, really white teeth. It takes less than two hours, costs between approximatley a thou and if the commercials are to be believed, will get you a better job and a genetically perfect partner before you can say 'Do my teeth look white in this?'
PAIN ALERT!
PAIN ALERT!
Okay. I just had a searing, shooting pain in my mouth. Ouch. Ouchouchouch. Alright, okay, alright... It's gone. But I guess that's to be expected when you strip your teeth nude to re-paint them. And they do warn you to expect it for around 48 hours. And advise you to munch on pain killers in lieu of it 99% definitely happening. And tell you no coloured foods or drinks for 48 hours. (Effectively leaving me with rice, milk and cottage cheese.)
And if you can't be assed with it all?
Fake tan your face, wear some bronzer and slide on some blue-based red lipstick - it's the easiest, non-dentist way to make your teeth look whiter.
