fruitybeauty

Goldfinger(s).

Probably it was that moment in Pulp Fiction when Uma Thurman's character was so spectacularly off her head but was still managing to look kind of sexy and cool, (See: Gucci by Gucci, TVC, 2008) and we noticed her short, dark nails and we all let out a collective, 'Oooooh', that the cult of Chanel Rouge Noir was born.

Maybe it wasn't, but maybe it was. That's all I'm saying.

Hang on.
No it's not.
I'm also saying this:

Generally speaking, when Chanel unleashes a bit of a 'daring', a bit of a 'wild' shade of nail polish with their autumn/winter or spring/summer colour collection, women pay attention. And then they pay attention to their little purse, and their little feet and the opening hours of their closest cosmetics retailer.

Painting your nails: Now up to 67% easier.

If you're anything like me (six foot seven, moustache, unnatural flair for pastry-making), you're pretty rubbish at painting your own nails, especially on your writing hand.

Cue O.P.I's new ProWide brush,which I used for the first time yesterday, even though it's been out for a while, I think since the Australia collection. (I'll be honest - I pay for my manicures, or go au feral most of the time.)

It's wider right, so it carries more polish, but then spreads it more evenly and thinner, so you get a stupidly fast application, cause in around two (careful, slow) strokes, your nail is pretty much covered.

Genius!
I liked it much!

It made the whole messy affair (I was using a vampish red whose name was unreal, but sadly it is at work, so I can't write it here - suffice to say it's just swell, and is from their upcoming Russian collection and if you like a classically whoreish red, you'll be all over it) SO SO much easier, that I actively thought to myself, young woman, you owe it to your fruits to blog about this tomorrow.

That is the brush. It's really not that great an image, is it, especially as it's clear, because it's from an O.P.I treatment product. But it's WIDER. Trust me.

Two thin, not one thick.

You may have read somewhere once (not here, definitely not here) that if you need to get out the door but NEED to have pretty nails, that one thick coat of polish slapped onto your talons will do the trick.

Fruits, I am here to say that this is an utter falsity, because how can putting a thick, glob of something that already takes time to dry, even when spread thin, be a clever idea?

It can't be.

It's silly and we must all do our best to stop these dreadful lies once and for all.

What should be done, is two very speedy thin layers.

Give each layer 60 seconds to dry and you'll be a lot happier when just fifteen minutes later you need to dig into your handbag for your keys and your polish comes out sans indents. And if you REALLY can't even spare that much time? One opaque polish; one thin coat. This is NOT THE TIME FOR SHEER POLISH.

I used L'Oreal's new version of jet-set quick dry lacquer (it's in a skinny thin bottle) in a blood red the other day in just this situation, and yes, it chipped the next day, but that one thin coat was a nail-saver at the time. Plus, I found the brush to be excellent: Even someone on amphetamines, three red bulls and a triple espresso could've walked away with pretty nails using this brush.

Other clever things you can do to make it look good and dry faster:

Use a fast-drying shiny top coat.
Use a quick-dry drip over the top, ensuring you leave 60 seconds between top coat and doing this.
Do your nails at your desk the day before, and let them dry as you type personal emails and pretend to work.

What to do when half your big toenail is suddenly gone.

My mate O, she lost half her big toenail, right?

And she's got this wedding on this Saturday, which means she'll be wearing Sensational Footwear, Sensational Open-TOED Footwear. Which means her Rogue Half Nail will be on display.

How do I fix this, she asked me in a faux calm way, her eyes flashing with toe fear.

Easy, I said. Go to a Happy Beautiful Nail salon and ask them to put an acrylic tip over the broken off bit. Then they'll buff it down and with some polish you won't have a clue. And it'll grow out as your nail grows back and as soon as your nail is long enough, you get the acrylic fix-a-nail taken off and all is well.

Um, no, she said. I've just bought this $100 potion to heal it and keep it clean and make it grow, I don't want to put nasty acrylic rubbish over it.

Oh.
I see.
Well then, you'll have to fake it, I said with that pursed lips, eyebrows up business people do when they're a leeetle bit annoyed you didn't go for their first option, which was clearly Definitely Excellent.

How so? She said.

With stick on toe nails. Like the finger ones, only, you know, toes*.
Nooooo, she said. Really?

Really, I said. Buy the Nailene ones, or the Manicare ones. They come in French Polish and they have lots of different sizes so that even wongly-sized toes are catered to.

And how do they go on?

With glue, or adhesive. You just pick the right size toe, and stick it on, and paint it with the same colour as the rest of your toelets.

Wow.

Wow indeeed. Hey, I hope you didn't buy them a toaster.

Pfft! No chance! How lame.
We bought them a bread maker.

* Please refer to my previous post about Toez for more on this topic.

Your anti-bacteria guide to "those" nail bars.

After yesterday's BoobTube entertainment I received an email from Jill, who asked if those cheap nail bars were really as bad as Everyone (a mythical creature that lives in the same suburb as They, and No one) says they are.

She used swear words so I won't reprint her email here, but suffice to say our friend Jill had some serious questions that needed answering. Now.

Jill, my foul-mouthed little fruit, it really does depend. The general consensus is that they're Not Great, because they are run on a production line system, (which is how big companies make things like bricks, crayons and lizards) and that because of this, hygiene can not possibly be optimal compared to say, a "proper" beauty salon or day spa.

I have a few rules I adhere to when I go to my nail bar... maybe you can follow suite and we need never speak of this again. (Keep in mind I don't do acrylics, so I can't speak for all the acrylic-y fruits. I believe, however, that this is an area where hygiene is particularly vital. So do some research, ay.)

• I take my own base coat. (So I know it's good quality and my nail won't rot underneath the varnish.)
• I take my own nail colour. (So I know it's OPI, not OPE. And also so I can fix chips as they occur.)
• I pay first and take my own top coat and fast dry solution so that when I am kicked out of my chair for the 367 other women hoping to save 5o clams on a pedi-mani deal, reaching for my wallet doesn't present issues.)
• I make sure she cleans the tub thoroughly with detergent before I put my feet in there.
• I make sure they never cut, only push down, my cuticles so as to avoid any kind of possible bleeding or infection.
• I ensure the razor about to be used on my nasty cracked heels is fresh and in sleeping happily  in plastic prior to being used on me.
• I take my iPod so that I can avoid reading the May issue of the 2002 New Idea.

The key with Lucky Lovely Beauty Nail Spa I think, is to be aware, and be assertive.

If it hurts, say something.

If it looks wrong, or dodgy, it probably is.

If you're cut or bleeding or your nail girl is really rough? Get your shit and get the hell out of there.

I think that covers it.
Have I forgotten anything, People Who Know Hygiene Really Well?

"Beautiful Nail"

1. Fruity is aware this is un-PC. 

2. I went all Beta and sent this to some friends.  They enthused its being shown with exaggerated "LOL" type sentiments.

3. I have had this exact experience too many times not to post this.

4. My nail place? It's called Lena's Lovely Sydney Nail.

The nail(art) in the coffin.

When you write stupid and possibly offensive things about certain brands or their work, you sometimes forget that they too have access to computers, and sometimes even the internet.

I got this email today, after my post about thumb crowns. There was more, but like a fussy monkey eating a banana, I just saved the good bits. 

"...I just wanted to introduce myself as Katie - the PR coordinator for Pacific Nail & Beauty (PNB). PNB are the importers of Creative Nail Design in Australia. I saw your blog today titled 'Thumb crowns, please.' (This is the part where I got scared.) I love your spin on nail art and fashion. If you ever would like images, nail trends please, let me know. (This is the part where I started breathing again.)

As I was going through our image database I found this nail tip that was created for a Heatherette show in NY last year. I thought you may find it appealing. Not too garish, though eye catching and a little fruity."




Isn't she superb? Not only does she not give me stick for being a chump about Creative's thumb crowns, but she presents me with a vision of nail art that is ridiculously appropriate to my blog.

Ahhh, good time in the fruitbowl.
Fun, fun, fun, chucking apples at the sun.
Another fruit related wrap-it-all up sentance.

Thumb crowns, please.

These talon decorations were created by Creative Nail Design, for the Baby Phat show at NY fashion week.

And while you may be quietly vomiting into your latte at how vile they are, I think they are, in the argot of our gangsta friends, dope.

Oooh, look at them! They're like little baby crowns for the thumb! Regal! Ostentatious! Adorable! Utterly impractical!

I think they'll take off y'know.  Why not? I mean, the catwalk instigates fashion, makeup and hair trends, why not nails, too? Mm-hmm, won't be long before the Acrylics Army start shuffling into Happy Luck USA Nail for their thumb crowns, squinting up their mouths as they try to decide between the Krazy King, Krystalline Queen or Pearly Princess thumb piece.

'French is so 2006, they'll say to their girlfriends. Everyone's doing thumb crowns. They're so now. And so great for scratching itches, too. In fact, I don't know how I ever reached the mid-to-lower region of my left shoulder blade without my Pimpin' Pope thumb crown.'

Whew! Put a looong tale on that kite, didn't I.

A Real Life nail trend you can go back to that Outlook inbox with: Blood red bordering on black. Shiny, not matte. On short nails. Not long. Don't you dare let me see you painting long nails in any shade darker than OPI Bubblebath. Keep them short when they're dark and I at least 50% promise never to bring up thumb crowns again.

Strike a file.

HOW terrifyingly irritating is it, to have a stupid, inappropriate jagged nail and NO NAIL FILE.

You try nibbling it off.
You try running it up and down your jeans.
You even try using a buffer, even though you know it won't do anything more than make the edge of your jagged naughty bit shiny.

Grab some matches, fruits. You'll be needing a cigarette to get you through this one.

Hang on. That's not what I meant to write.

Grab some matches because you can file a nail on the side you strike the match.

This is assuming you'll have more access to matches than a nail file, obviously.  (Hotels and bars always have them, don't forget.) Which would ring true, I think, for most places. Except for maybe these places, in which case, this is a reminder to always carry around a nail file, because the chances of them having a box of Redheads is slim to none.

• The Fifth Annual International Arsonists Convention
• Jiffy firelighters testing facility
  
• A house deep in the woods where fires are regularly enjoyed
• A cigar room in a Gentleman's Club

Double the life of your pailnolish.

Which is what I called nailpolish when I was small, and probably not even five and a half, and not very worldy and apparently not listening closely enough to what my mother was saying.

Now, I understand that not all of you have a YouTube account, and can't view my videos. (Still using pigeons to send your mail, too?)

So, I'm repeating one of My Juiciest Beauty Tips, which the True Fruits will have seen wedged in one of my Definitely Excellent Product reviews. I was asked about this TWICE today, and so felt it worth repeating. So shut UP, smartasses who already know it. IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.

If you want your nailpolish to last, paint your talons with a high-shine top coat every second day.

It's so simple! Quick! Fun! Almost! And, it will double the life of your little toe and fingynail polish.

Fruity's pick: Sally Hansen's Mega Shine. The thing about this one is that it's very thick and sooooper shiny, (the name kind of hints as such) so once you've painted it on even week-old polish, you look like you've "Just stepped out a salon."

Which is nice, I think.