fruitybeauty

Who is Anna and why is she a whore?

Honestly, does anyone know?  I am concerned that I need to lock up my boyfriend and take all of my holey fishnets off the washing line....

Ok, so, someone has posted comments (which weren't hostile at all, further confusing things) using the name Anna Lams is a Whore.

While I appreciate all brands of support from all of my lovely fruits, I'm not very down with what is a clear case of Nasty Bitch Syndrome, which while it may be allowed to roam unfettered through many streets and avenues of the internet, is not a syndrome that is welcome here. It's just unrequired assholeyness, you know?

So whoever you are (I'm guessing it's not Anna Lams) change it please, or don't bother commenting.

Best,
Fruity Is Not a A Whore Either.

One good thing about having a nasty cold...

Is that, as the above photo depicts, you can completely drop the vanity ball.

Filthy, foul, oily hair (easiest one to get away with because it's "not good to have wet hair when you have a cold"),stupid red nose (been using Lansinoh nipple balm on it - looks gross, works a treat), breath of an ox, who has been dead for several days, in the sun, flaky, crappy, chapped lips (still struggling to fix this one as no matter how much balm I use, balm is only a barrier, not a softener. Have resorted to pure vitamin e oil), no need for makeup, or body lotion (takes too long after the shower when you're supposed to be staying warm) and of course, the best part, wearing the same pyjamas for three days straight.

Basically, basically you have the license to be one hot bitch.

So what IS the best lipstick shade for a one-year old?

JD Fruit very kindly drew my attention to an advertising visual currently being used for Gap Baby in the US.

The reason she did this was not because of the baby being in said advertisement, even though our little bambini could not have been older than... well, the ad states she's a whopping 12 months... and not because she is genetically perfect and absolutely gorgeous and such a delight that we should all see her, but because someone in the production meeting for this campaign had decided that you know what? That golden hair ? Those blue eyes? Those juicy little puckers? Ain't enough: SHE NEEDS SOME SMOKY EYESHADOW AND A SWIPE OF LIPSTICK.

Here is the ad. (I have tried 678 times to post this image the right way up, but it simply, won't, do, it. I apologise, Fruits.)

Doesn't matter: here's a close up of Baby Peyton's shoot make-up.

Isn't she adorable? Ooh, I just want to squishthoselittlecheeklets!

But please note the burnt orange lipstick.
Brown eye shadow.
FALSE LASHES.
General creepiness.

Remember Suzy Bunny? Guys! That makes two examples of Inappropriate Makeup On Unripe Fruits in two weeks! Yuk!

The floor is open to any Fruits who see another example, although I'm hoping there won't be one. Ever. Ever.

If you're gonna rip off fruity, at least do it well.

Some punk has started a beauty blog on wordpress called fruitybeauty. You can look at it here, if you like: www.fruitybeauty.co.uk

Oh, it be rotten alright, but feel free to go tell faux Fruity that yourself. (Judging by your venom regarding Shiny Minogue below, my fruits are pretty au fait with the comments protocol.)

OH!

On a far less plagiarist and a way more fun note, (it's an F minor, I believe) you can now find Fruity (the real one, not the nasty soy bean substitute) at www.fruitybeauty.com.au as well as the usual fruitybeauty.typepad.com.

I think you'll find that address a lot easier to remember when you're telling your friends how Definitely Excellent a time you have here, and that they should come too, because Fuity sometimes gives away fluffy, microchipped kittens with big blue eyes.

Proof five-year olds shouldn't wear makeup. (Like you needed any.)

I went for a hit of retail fun Saturday, and was very disturbed to see this image outside a major retailer that may or may not be called Target.

Look at that semi-smoky eye makeup!

Those thickly-glossed, lipstick-ed lips!

Those filled-in brows!

That chilling, photoshopped sparkle in her eyes!

It was so creepy I had to show you all, because while little Suzy Bunny here is delirious she's cracked a major Easter egg campaign (pun intended), and Mr & Mr Suzy Bunny are equally thrilled, I just think it's off to have a little girl wearing that much make-up. (And you KNOW that if anyone is, I'm pro-makeup.)

I'm hoping it was all a terrible mistake and that the monkeys behind the scenes accidentally used the make-up brief for 'Tania, 29, new Plum Seduction after five range' on little Suzy Bunny, and somewhere out there is a shot of Tania in her glittery mini dress wearing nothing but a smear of Lip Smackers.

Why you'll look hideous when you get off that plane.

This is from an article in the Daily Telegraph yesterday I want to share with you. It's not about Bec Cartwright, or taxi drivers, or even a woman with 45 cats in her backyard, it's actually VERY SERIOUS FOR ALL OF US.

It reads: (...it actually probably doesn't read, as you need eyes and a brain for that, and it's just a bunch of words, but that's how the saying goes)

New regulations on carry-on luggage designed to combat the terror threat will restrict the type of cosmetics Australians can take on international flights.

Federal laws will come into force next month banning liquids, gels or aerosols from being taken on board in containers greater than 100ml.

Passengers will be required to pack their essentials in one zip-lock clear plastic bag no greater than 1 litre in capacity – and stow everything else in checked baggage.

It follows a crackdown on airports in the UK and US in August last year, with fears a new generation of liquid explosives could be mixed in plane bathrooms and then detonated.

Bottles of water, canned drinks, large tubes of toothpaste, full-sized deodorants, large tins of hairspray, tubs of face cream and large tubes of foundation will also be banned.

THE HORROR!

However, in a boost for airport shops, passengers can buy these items once clear of the checkpoint.

THE GALL!

The Department of Transport and Regional Services has been liaising with community groups – in particular the Cancer Council – to make sure sick people are not discriminated against. The Daily Telegraph understands security staff will be instructed to allow some leeway – including not insisting women who have had a mastectomy remove a silicon gel bra, and not denying access to people with colostomy bags.

Ohhhh, how generous!

The department has released a list of banned items ahead of the program's roll-out by Deputy Prime Minister Mark Vaile at the APEC transport ministers conference next month.

"The world has changed over recent years and Australia's security arrangements need to change accordingly," Mr Vaile said. "The Australian Government recognises these restrictions will affect the industry and the travelling public but we will always put the public's safety first."

What about the skin? WHY WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE SKIN?!

Following is a list of stupid, unnecessary things they are banning in an effort to make us look rubbish when we get off a plane:

Any liquid, gel or aerosol in a container greater than 100ml/100g will be banned on international flights after March 31. This includes:

• Any drinks in cans, bottles, plastic containers
• All cosmetics and toiletries in liquid/gel form, for example:
• Fragrance and perfume
• Creams
• Liquid foundations and lip gloss
• Mascara
• Toothpaste
• All products in pressurised containers eg. Hairspray and shaving foam/gel
• Deodorant

Which basically means you get your hydrating facial the day you fly out and hope for the godamn best. Because what fool would go buy doubles of (not cheap) everything they already own (injecting cash into the airport, aka the Allie to The Perpetrators of Unhappy Skin) just because airline security are a little bit paranoid?

I'll be flying internationally soon, and will be sure to tell you of the clever, multi-purpose products that slink through the Beauty Police. Because the idea of No Beauty Stuff for 14 hours? Not even rosehip oil or Badger Balm or hydrating eye cream or SK-II face masks?...

*Fruity faints.*

Too Long Hair.

Sometimes words aren't needed. (When blind people are around is not one of these times.)



But know what? I'm gonna drop some anyway.

This hair is RE: Dick you lass.
Too long.
Too long.
Too long.

Not many people know this, but there is a universal ruler for Attractive Hair Length. It's housed in a small Dutch suburb called Lezuvardensfinken where it is closely gaurded by a man called Hans, and a crop of fierce tulips. He won't let many people see the famous ruler, but I brought him a bag of Toobs and a Caramello Koala so he let me come in.

All I will say is this: This woman, as beautiful as she is, has hair that would require four Attractive Hair Length rulers. Add to that her not-being-16, and the two-tone colour "job", and the ratwoman flyaways and the overall deadness of this elongated rug and you get what is known in the industry as a "Bad Look."

It pains me to see women with Too Long Hair. It is rarely healthy or shiny, it detracts from their beauty, dilutes their clothes, pulls their face down, and perhaps most pertinently, ages them, which I'm quite sure is the polar opposite of what they're trying to achieve.

If you are guilty of Too Long Hair, please consider chopping off some length? It's your quickest way to a fresh, vibrant, alluring new you. Trust me. Cheaper than surgery and quicker than going to that BLOODY GYM.

Not Judgemental At All,
Australia.

* Thank you to Muri and Facehunter for the pic.

On the topic of lip liner...

I was served by a very kind and lovely and helpful and attractive and friendly woman today who had applied her lip makeup so spectacularly poorly, that even Boyfriend was forced to comment.

Vitals:

Older than Diane Lane (or as old as with less genetic blessing) and younger than Judi Dench.
Too much mascara.
Lip liner applied not on lips, but above, well above natural lip line, all the way around. Inner corners included. Everywhere but her eyebrows, basically.
Lip liner is in a shade of cab sav crimson.
Lip stick, much lighter then liner in a shade of mismatched pinot pink, is applied right up to unnatural lip liner line and is feathering like... um... something feathery.
Lipstick has come off around area of lips where coffee is consumed.

Yes. Every cell within me wanted to take a tissue and wipe her sloppy lips clean, but of course, in this state anyway, Unsolicited Makeup Removal by a Third Party is illegal.

And so she escaped my clutches, free to taint many more a styrofoam cup, wine glass and outfit with those frightful lips.

Fruits, I implore you, if you know of someone - possibly a workmate, possibly your sweet ol' mama - performing lip crimes, please assist in this way:

1. Present them with a gift.
2. Gift will contain a gentle nudey pink liner and a similar shade, (maybe a little darker, but definitely not lighter) double-ended, long-last lip colour and gloss wand. My picks are Maybelline, Clinique and Rimmel. They're all well-priced, and are ones I've found to be the best for endurance and non-crusty-and-dry-within-an-hour.
3. Tell them how you saw (insert movie star they look like, or did back in '87) wearing this shade at the Golden Globes and it looked fantastic.
4. Show them how to line the lips on the natural lip outline, and fill the lips within by lightly shading with liner.
5. Show them how to swipe long-last lip colour on lips, ensuring they leave it for 62.3 seconds so it can set (and thus last for around four hours - "they" say more but unless you don't eat, drink, talk or breathe, it's gonna fade), then finish with a slick of gloss for shine.
6. Douse, DOUSE them in compliments as to how Definitely Excellent they look.
7. Feel very, very good about self and celebrate by high-fiving someone nearby.

This confuses me.

This is Cam at the GGs.  (Mr Sexy Back probably didn't even remember to watch and see if she looked hot. Being locked in a Vegas hotel room with a constellation of Vegas hookers would be pretty distracting, I guess.)

See, she's obeying the Really Big Rule of Red Lips, which is if your lips are screaming, make your eye makeup shut up, but her makeup still looks, a little, well,  dragqueenesque.

Ahaaa. Y'know what? I think it's the overuse of bronzer.

See, typically, red lips accompany a pared-down (I've always wanted to use that expression) face: The foundation is flawless and basically invisible, the eye shadow (if any) is shimmery and sheer and of a sandstoney shade, and the cheeks sport a pleasant, natural-looking flush of blush.

You're trying to focus all of people's attention on your lips, essentially.

So when you go dust golden bronzer all over your face, you kind of morph from Chic Hollywood Glamour, to... I've-just-bought-a-LOT-of-new-make-up-and-I-wanted-to-wear-it-all-at-once. It's like she's saying "I've just come back from the Bahamas... and 1945."

It's too much.

But, I see why she may have done it. Usually when ol' mate Cam goes brunette, she looks washed out.  Clearly, Someone Makeup-y has informed her that if you don't have olive skin, or at least some yellow tone in your skin, skipping into the land of Dark Brunette can be a dangerous journey. As such, getting friendly with bronzer is a clever way to cheat the appearance of  'warm skin.'

Also, that kind of monochrome, old-school frock don't need no Spray Tan. Paler skin looks waaaay better when it comes to black and white on the red carpet. (Think Jordan Vs Cate Blanchet in the same dress. Actually don't. That's not fair on Cate. Or the dress.) I guess what I'm saying is the tan, well, cheapens it, if that makes sense.*

At least she wore her hair up.

Can you imagine that dress with those lips, that tan... And then a mass of raven hair all over the place??

Sweet cheeses!

*fruitybeauty accepts no responsibilty for anything making sense, ever, on this blog.

Bad waxer. BAD waxer!

I have a waxer, Natasha. She is one of, I'd say, oooh, the Top Five Humans in the world. She's Russian, she's incredibly sweet and adorable and beautiful and basically the kind of woman you want to hug for a solid 15 seconds when you say goodbye, and not just air-kiss.

Oh, and she's a superb waxer. Gentle. Efficient. Talks to distract you. Doesn't put you on all fours. Uses expensive wax. Rips off real fast. Tweezes potential ingrowns. Uses a high-frequency* when she's done and dusted. (Literally - she sweeps over talc at the end.)

In all, she's brilliant. I've palmed her off to several beauty editors, mag editors and mag minxes and they're all very happy with her. And they be a tough crowd. Plus, I've never had an ingrown in all my time with her. (The muppet I let pour hot wax on my body, before Queen Natasha, had a spectacular knack for creating grouped ingrowns.) She always tells me to exfoliate, but I never even need to with her.

She's also gives The Best Facials. But that's another post. Email me for her number if you live in Sydney.

Anyway. So there's Natasha, and her lovely pink, gentle wax, and there's the Emergency Wax I had in Byron.

EMERGENCY WAXES ARE AWFUL. By law they must be. It was written somewhere... once.

Emergency Wax: Your boyfriend's coming home early. You didn't have time to see Natasha before you went away. You've suddenly been told you'll be swimming this weekend. You've decided to enter a Miss Paradise Swimsuit Comp. All of these reasons and more lead to an Emergency Wax. Which is when you don't know where to go, but you do know you need waxing. So you go anywhere.

Miss Waxer herself was cheerful, brisk and wore too much perfume. Her technique was strange - she told me knowingly it was 'the only way' to do it, whe we all know every waxer has their own way. And she did that thing where she gave me 4 seconds to get changed, before barging in. And then she used a teacher voice - "Aaaand just move your knee up. Yep, up. Just UP like this." *Wrench* - which made me feel like a moron for not knowing which way to place my legs, or position my undies. What she was doing of course, was assuming a Boss Lady power personality, just because I was in an extraordinarily vulnerable position. This is not cool. Don't like that.

Also don't like noticing burns on my skin a day later.
And then getting a succession of ingrowns.

Now, this is a pretty unsavoury post, I'm aware of that.
But DAMMIT. This Bad Waxer and her cronies must not be allowed to roam free!
You're removing hair, woman! Please, for the love of cauliflower, DO IT RIGHT!

Now I know I've been spoiled with Natasha. I really have. Still, for this monkey to ruin all of Natasha's good work in one painful rip...

But enough about me.
What do YOU hate about Bad Waxers?

*High-frequency is a small, pen-like device used in salons that emits a small electronic frequency, and zaps bacterica so you don't get ingrowns. It's also used on the mug to clear up acne. It not hurt. It friend.